Dating/Awkwardness

I'm really bad at dating. I don't even know half the time if I'm just having a friendly hang out with someone or if whatever it is is constituting as a real date. It's a wonder I've even had boyfriends. I'm really awkward. First "dates" usually involve me talking about really weird things that I probably shouldn't talk about with relative strangers and just being really confused in general.  The worst part, which I suppose is probably normal for a lot of single people, is that I get way weirder when I am actually interested in someone. Or maybe it's not that I'm any weirder than usual, I just start overanalyzing my weirdness afterward. When I go out on a date with a guy who I'm just whatever about, I do whatever I want and say whatever I want and it doesn't matter. But then if I go out with a guy who I think is cute, I'll say all sort of weird things and later be like "why the hell did I say that."

So, based on awkward things I've done sort of recently (not necessarily even on dates), I figure I'll compile a list of things you might not want to talk about with guys you don't know very well.

1. Parasites. Yeah, I Google parasites in my free time. I know which things are transferable to humans from animals. Which ones can be contracted from walking on the beaches in Thailand. Which ones dogs get… All sort of weird things. Going on a five minute long tangent about them with people I've just met MIGHT not be the smoothest move. But you know, could have been worse. 

2. Human Centipede. Turns out this person had never heard of it and I had to explain to him what the movie was about. Now I'm just a creeper

3. STDs. Saying "well, I heard that one in four people have an STD by the time they are 25; I'm surprised none of my friends or I have gotten one yet. It's like a surprise to see who will get one first!" I wasn't serious, but now this person probably thinks I'm a slut even though I'm not. And this came up like 10 min after the Human Centipede conversation. Damn it.

4. Puppies. Ok. Puppies are okay to talk about, unless you're insane about them like I am. Apparently I can go on and on about dogs for really extended periods of time if I'm uninterrupted. I think it's becoming a problem. I'm making an effort to calm it down at least a little bit, but it's really hard (especially since now I spend 40 hours a week working with dogs, and the rest of the time at home with my own dogs). I have gotten drunk and made people look at pictures of dogs on my phone and then not remembered the next day. Yeah, it's a problem. And if a guy doesn't like dogs much he just thinks you're crazy. It's better to ease into the dog obsession talk. Then he already likes you by the time he realizes you're weird. I say this though, and I've been on multiple dates where after like an hour the guy says to me "so, you really love dogs, don't you?" or "so, what do you like? besides dogs?"

5. "What's the worst injury you've ever had?" Once I asked a guy this question and it lead into a very intense and sad story that I don't even want to write about online. I felt pretty bad about it too, but I don't know why he was telling me something so intense on a first date. Keep the intensity for at least the second or third date when someone has sort of decided if they think you're cool or not.

6. Ex-boyfriends. Try not to mention them a lot. Even if they are part of a lot of your stories. You should just call the person your friend. "My friend let me borrow his computer for a year but then wanted it back randomly out of nowhere so I didn't have one." That sort of thing. Especially if you have stories about multiple ex-boyfriends. You wouldn't want to say "my other ex boyfriend gave me this cell phone" and "another ex-boyfriend thought he could see peoples' auras." You're just sounding crazy and like someone who has had way too many boyfriends and obviously has commitment problems. Just say "my friend" every time and you will just seem like a very desirable and popular person who has a lot of friends!

7. Hanson. If you're obsessed with Hanson, like I am, that's something you should keep on the DL for a little while also. Probably don't want to blab about how "when I'm stressed out I always have dreams that I'm friends with Hanson!" and going on about how hot Taylor looks in one of the 40 live videos of "Penny & Me" you watched last night. 

8. Planned Parenthood. Turns out not everyone knows that Planned Parenthood isn’t a place only for getting abortions. So when you see someone you know who works there, you shouldn’t say “oh hey ____ I just saw you when I was at Planned Parenthood the other day!” The guy you are with, who might not know that you can just get a regular OBGYN check-up might think you were just there getting an abortion or something.
9. Going home because you miss your dog. Even if you guys just watched the episode of Game of Thrones where they have to kill Lady the dire wolf and you start thinking too much about "what if Chompy got murdered?" it's a little weird to tell a guy that you want to go home because you miss your dog.


So that's a basic list of what I've come up with easily. There are a probably a lot more idiotic things to avoid (or not avoid if you're as smooth as I am).