It could be worse

• I could have no arms
• I could have too many arms
• I could have broccoli stuck in every tooth
• I could be wearing braces with broccoli stuck in every tooth
• I could be wearing braces with rubber bands and broccoli stuck in my teeth
• I could have a UTI
• I could be a cat with a URI
• I could be eating ice cream with crap hidden in it
• I could be climbing Mt. Everest
• I could be climbing a tree with biting ants infesting it
• I could be eating jello with crickets in it
• I could be bit by another angry cat that then escapes from the building
• I could be bit by a dog 2x my size
• I could look like this:

(the monster or the baby)

The happy couple

• I could have an inner-ear infection that makes me walk in a circle
• I could get my front tooth knocked out
• I could get dropped on my face in a horrible piggy back ride accident
• I could be on an airplane for 24 hours
• I could be lost somewhere in Ukraine
• I could be sleeping in a room with no heating or insulation while it's snowing outside
• I could be married to Chad Kroeger (no I couldn't, that's Avril's job)
• I could be sprayed by a skunk
• I could be so drunk that I'm trying to sleep on the bathroom floor next to the toilet
• I could be throwing up in the bathroom at the Banshee 
• I could have food poisoning from nasty old meat
• I could be staring at a dead fish
• I could be writing this ridiculous list on my phone instead of on my computer
• I could be eating sand
• I could be building a giant sandcastle when a wave comes and ruins the whole thing
• I could be gargling the mouthwash they make you use before getting your wisdom teeth out
• I could be working at Lifetouch
• I could be having sex dreams about ugly people
• I could be driving my car with the headlights off after drinking beers
• I could be listening to Taylor Swift's song "We are never ever getting back together" on repeat in a box where I am not allowed to turn the music off or change the station
• I could be listening to Dave Matthews Band's entire discography on repeat
• I could be listening to Maroon 5 while watching videos of Adam Levine being his usually douche-baggy self in a box where I can't turn off the projection or volume

F you, Adam

• I could be stuck on the other side of a glass wall where Chompy is looking at me adorably but I can't touch him
• I could be in jail
• I could be in Quebec surrounded by Chantalles but not be allowed to see Lydoyl
• I could have unlimited money but not be able to leave Chico
• I could find out that my mom is actually an alien in a human suit
• I could find out that I am also actually an alien in a human suit

an odd-ball history

Disclaimer: I don't even remember when I wrote this; I found it on my old hard drive. And I'm not mad at anyone who may or may not have been in this story in real life....

I became jaded in 7^th grade when I realized the boy I liked was an asshole. I mean, it was about time I just sucked it all up and grew a shield anyway. I cried all the time in elementary school; my name was practically Crybaby. I am pretty sure I responded to that title; by responding I mean I looked at the person who spoke it and cried even more. So following that elementary turmoil and also mom’s marriage (with the addition of two step sibling) I was bound to turn out this way. My step siblings had their good qualities. And they really did know how to insult people. I learned from the best. And after being punched in the boob about a million times by my step-sister, which she seemed to find hilarious, I figured it was time to stop whining and fight back. 

Back to the part about the boy I liked being an asshole.

When going into seventh grade, there is only one thing to look forward to. That “thing” would be dances. I couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful than “Truly, Madly, Deeply” blasting over speakers and slow dancing with a hottie. So when the fateful day came around I had my best friends over and we got ready in the bathroom for like an hour. I’m not sure how that’s even possible considering I didn’t even have a hair straightener at the time, let alone any mascara. We were probably blasting Nsync through the house--gettin’ pumped. When it came time to drive down the road towards the dance hall we were nervous and afraid our butterfly clips would fall out of our hair or something. We walked in and went immediately into the bathroom to make sure we still looked okay (because it had been a whole ten minutes since we last saw ourselves). It was pretty awkward to be honest; all the 8^th graders knew the drill and were already getting cozy on the dance floor, but all the 7^th graders stood there in a daze. The ones who did get the courage to dance went out onto the dance floor with their partner as soon as Kci and Jojo came on, but they danced like 2 feet apart from each other with their arms straight out and stiff as sticks. The 8^th graders definitely knew what was going on; they were all up ons and grabbing each other’s butts. Anyway, I knew that wasn’t about to be me, but I figured I could find someone and ask him to dance and it would be cool enough to just dance a tree-branch-arm’s-length away. I don’t think I had ever even touched a guy’s shoulder anyway.

Naturally I decided I would ask John because we had liked each other for basically our whole lives. Yes, I consider 4^th, 5^th and 6^th grade my whole life at this point. Seriously, there was no point to my life before I first saw John on my first day of full time GATE class. He was also the only guy that didn’t ever call me a name and he liked Hanson because I liked Hanson. He had blue eyes and blonde hair. The perfect boy, I know! So, I walked up to John after I saw his mom at the table that was selling cookies; she totally encouraged me and told me that she hoped me and John would get married some day. I saw him standing near the dance floor and I was talking myself into asking him and getting kind of nervous but “of course he will say ‘yes’ because we are meant to be an everyone knows it!” plus “he told me in 5^th grade that he would ask me out in 7^th grade because that is when he’d be allowed to have a girlfriend. And now we are in 7^th grade!!!!!!!”  Well I was wrong. I walked right up to him and asked “hey John, do you want to dance with me?” (And you have to know that something amazing like Savage Garden was on, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked him.) And you know what he said?

NO!

He said NO!

He was the love of my life and he said no to dancing with me. He wouldn’t even dance with me with our arms straight out like sticks two feet apart from one another, after all the time I spent on my hair and my nonexistent make up and putting body glitter on! Are you freakin’ kidding me!?!?! How is this possible? I mean, I know he had been a jerk in the past, like when he went out with Kay at outdoor school even though she knew I liked him and I thought she was my friend. But she didn’t go to our jr. high, he had no girlfriend and he liked me for nearly 3 years in elementary school. HOW COULD HE DENY ME OF THIS!?!?

Then, since I was a 7^th grade girl at her first dance, I grabbed a couple friends, told them the horrible news and spent the remainder of the dance crying in the bathroom. That’s right, back to being a Crybaby after a whole summer with a dry face.

After this incident, John was my worst enemy and I don’t think he even knew it. I can really hold a grudge. Being denied this simple dance at age 12 with the guy I adored was enough to callous me for life. Dances after this one were much better to say the least. I just avoided him like the plague. I danced with as many random guys as possible and sometimes they were very unattractive and then there were the occasional stinky ones, but it was just important to me to dance with people and not be denied. I don’t think I was ever denied a dance again after that incident. And if someone did deny me, I’m sure I would call him an asshole to their face.

but it's not true

The weather is changing, and when I close my eyes I feel like I'm somewhere else. The house is smaller and messier and I don't want to get out of bed. I am secure, warm, and the blankets are tucked up around me. I think it will snow, and I'll walk out into it smiling because it's clean and new and for a second I can forget every other pointless thing in my life.