Dating in this town is like trying to dodge landmines while being attacked by shit covered puppies. Overall, everyone seems unfortunate, but you dig a little deeper and they seem kind of cool, but then you realize they are actually crazy and you have to run away quickly but without being too rude about it. I know this because I've been home for like seven months now and I've for some idiotic reason thought off and on that it might be a good idea to get a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates and I guess none of them have been THAT bad. No serial killers or anything that I know of. And normally they pay for dinner which is always a plus.
Rule One: Never start "hanging out" with someone you met who works at the bar you always go to. I guess this is probably obvious to most people. No matter how nice and uncreepy they seem, once you stop hanging out with them (because they broke up with you on facebook) it's kind of weird to go to the bar for a while. I got over that pretty fast, but it's still not the funnest thing, like "oh hey person over there who I used to make out with sometimes, let's pretend I'm not wearing this low cut dress just because I knew I'd have to run into you tonight and I wanted to make you remember you're an idiot," and then have an awkward conversation like "oh yeah I haven't seen you in a while, oh really? you heard that I got too drunk last week at Duffys and slapped your roommate in the face for no apparent reason?" Yeah, it sucks. So don't do it.
Rule Two: Don't get a boyfriend after only knowing them for like three days. No matter how hot this guy is, and how funny and weird and awesome he seems. If he wants to be your boyfriend after three days, he probably has some sort of unresolved issues. Like the sort of issue that he wants to break up with you just as suddenly as he met you and wanted to start calling you his girlfriend. He probably also has really weird hair that for some reason is also really hot even though you normally would think it was stupid.
Rule Three: If you meet someone in a place that you go to all the time, and he also goes to all the time, be careful, because after he breaks up with you, you'll probably want to avoid that place. I guess this is almost the same as the dating a bar-guy situation, except in this case I have a coffee shop in mind and he didn't work there. Just loitered there sometimes, waiting to pick up on chicks probably with some dumb line that didn't seem like a line but maybe it was! Who knows! Can you tell I'm bitter? Anyway, every time you want to go get coffee you start wondering, should I really go there? And then you try to remember what his work schedule was like because if there is a good chance he's at work during that time, it's probably safe to go get coffee, but if it's not then you run the risk of seeing him and his stupid hair.
Rule Four: If someone you know dares you to "get that guy's phone number in thirty seconds," you should definitely weigh the consequences. The darer may buy you and all your friends drinks if you do it, which is a plus, but then you have asked this guy for his number and he's super stoked. And then he will take you on a date that turns out to be really pleasant and nice and probably one of the nicer dates you've been taken on in a long time, but then you have this weird expectation to go on more dates and there's the problem of getting it across to him that you don't really want to date him seriously. Which, in my case, means I panic and never respond to the most recent text they sent me and avoid the people they hang out with. I'm super mature! Anyway, back to the point, was it worth the free drinks to have to deal with this weirdness? I don't know. I still feel bad because the guy was so nice and I just never texted him back!
Rule Five: Don't kiss someone on New Years Eve who you think will be a person you never have to see again (because he lives three hours way), but then then agree to go on a date with him a week later. If he is willing to drive 3 hours to take you (a drunk person he met at The Beach) on a date, that's really nice. A little too nice. Especially if he shows up with a bottle of Georgian wine (because you said you missed it) and makes sure to tell you how difficult it was to track down a bottle of Georgian wine. Turns out dude was getting a little too devoted a little too fast. I think he told him his whole life story the first date. I just felt overwhelmed and freaked out. Poor guy.
Rule Six: Don't loan your books out to guys who will probably never read them, and if you do, make sure you get them back before you break up with him online (hey, I was in another country) otherwise it will be a year and a half later and you still haven't gotten your favorite books back!
Rule Seven: Bros are bros. Don't ever forget it. Even if they look really good and are funnier than a typical bro and you are really in denial about the whole "being a bro" thing. Sometimes you won't know what the hell weird Bay Area slang they are using and you just have to nod your head and hope the context solves the problem for you. On Facebook, they will do things like post pictures of themselves playing a ton of beer pong with no shirt on and then post pictures of themselves working out with no shirt on. It's probably not going to work out in the long term. So just stop looking at how good they look in their pictures without their shirt on, because that's probably what they are hoping you're doing. Try to find someone who has read a book in their life.
That's what I can think of for now. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll think of more things as I go on having terrible failed dates all the time. Being single is amazing.
Rule Three: If you meet someone in a place that you go to all the time, and he also goes to all the time, be careful, because after he breaks up with you, you'll probably want to avoid that place. I guess this is almost the same as the dating a bar-guy situation, except in this case I have a coffee shop in mind and he didn't work there. Just loitered there sometimes, waiting to pick up on chicks probably with some dumb line that didn't seem like a line but maybe it was! Who knows! Can you tell I'm bitter? Anyway, every time you want to go get coffee you start wondering, should I really go there? And then you try to remember what his work schedule was like because if there is a good chance he's at work during that time, it's probably safe to go get coffee, but if it's not then you run the risk of seeing him and his stupid hair.
Rule Four: If someone you know dares you to "get that guy's phone number in thirty seconds," you should definitely weigh the consequences. The darer may buy you and all your friends drinks if you do it, which is a plus, but then you have asked this guy for his number and he's super stoked. And then he will take you on a date that turns out to be really pleasant and nice and probably one of the nicer dates you've been taken on in a long time, but then you have this weird expectation to go on more dates and there's the problem of getting it across to him that you don't really want to date him seriously. Which, in my case, means I panic and never respond to the most recent text they sent me and avoid the people they hang out with. I'm super mature! Anyway, back to the point, was it worth the free drinks to have to deal with this weirdness? I don't know. I still feel bad because the guy was so nice and I just never texted him back!
Rule Five: Don't kiss someone on New Years Eve who you think will be a person you never have to see again (because he lives three hours way), but then then agree to go on a date with him a week later. If he is willing to drive 3 hours to take you (a drunk person he met at The Beach) on a date, that's really nice. A little too nice. Especially if he shows up with a bottle of Georgian wine (because you said you missed it) and makes sure to tell you how difficult it was to track down a bottle of Georgian wine. Turns out dude was getting a little too devoted a little too fast. I think he told him his whole life story the first date. I just felt overwhelmed and freaked out. Poor guy.
Rule Six: Don't loan your books out to guys who will probably never read them, and if you do, make sure you get them back before you break up with him online (hey, I was in another country) otherwise it will be a year and a half later and you still haven't gotten your favorite books back!
Rule Seven: Bros are bros. Don't ever forget it. Even if they look really good and are funnier than a typical bro and you are really in denial about the whole "being a bro" thing. Sometimes you won't know what the hell weird Bay Area slang they are using and you just have to nod your head and hope the context solves the problem for you. On Facebook, they will do things like post pictures of themselves playing a ton of beer pong with no shirt on and then post pictures of themselves working out with no shirt on. It's probably not going to work out in the long term. So just stop looking at how good they look in their pictures without their shirt on, because that's probably what they are hoping you're doing. Try to find someone who has read a book in their life.
That's what I can think of for now. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll think of more things as I go on having terrible failed dates all the time. Being single is amazing.
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